Oral Sex: Spit, or Swallow?

Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest is my beloved among the young men. I delight to sit in his shade, and his fruit is sweet to my taste. Song of Solomon 2:3

Plenty of women struggle with oral sex. It’s uncomfortable. We can’t get past the gag reflex. We’re grossed out by the idea.

There are also lots of women who enjoy giving their husbands oral sex. They enjoy the kissing, licking, and sucking—but they might still struggle at the end.

When your husband has an orgasm, you have a decision to make: Spit, or swallow? For some women, the prospect of swallowing is just too much, yet their husbands still ask them to do it.

Why do so many husbands want their wives to swallow their semen? And if your husband asks, what should you do?

Why does he want you to swallow?

When it comes to a husband’s request for something sexual, we don’t always assume the best of him.

We often assume that they want something because they saw it in porn, because they are pursuing an unhealthy domination in the bedroom, or because an ex-girlfriend did it for him. Sadly, for some guys, these really are what is going on. If that is the case, whether or not you swallow isn’t the area that most needs attention in your marriage.

A lot of us are married to pretty good-willed husbands who are decent men. Their reasons are much more honorable and touching than we might assume at first. Their request for swallowing speaks to the ways that sex provides not only physical pleasure but also emotional connection.

Yes, many guys will ask their wives to swallow because it feels good to have her mouth on him throughout the entirety of his orgasm and ejaculation. I want to point out that this really is okay. We should be able to ask each other to do things that give us sexual pleasure. If the only reason he wants it is that it will feel good, that is a good enough reason for him to ask.

But when it comes to swallowing, it’s about something else, too. It is about his heart and his feeling of connection with his wife.

Yup, I said it. Semen can be an emotional thing for our guys—and that can be an important part of why husbands ask their wives to swallow.

In this post, I wrote something that is important here: A wife’s welcoming acceptance of her husband’s semen speaks into his heart.

Many men will see a wife’s swallowing as evidence that she truly accepts who he is as a man. Swallowing says that she finds no part of him to be disgusting.

Swallowing can be an emotional experience for a guy, helping him feel completely and totally accepted by their wives. It helps them feel connected.

Do you have to swallow?

I think it is helpful to understand why our husbands may want us to do something sexual. Even if it isn’t something we want to do, the reasons often help us know how to talk with our husbands about it. (For instance, you know whether to express concern that he is watching porn or find a way to express your understanding that he wants to feel more accepted by you.)

So if your husband asks you to swallow his semen, does that mean you have to do it?

In my opinion, no. You don’t have to. Oral sex isn’t a necessity in marriage, and swallowing isn’t a necessity in oral sex.

That said, I do think it is important that you seriously consider your husband’s request.

As you would with any other sexual act, first consider whether it is something that is sinful or unhealthy. When it comes to swallowing semen, neither is the case for most of us.

I encourage you to try to understand why you don’t want to do it. Are you concerned about pain or discomfort? Did you have negative experiences with oral sex in the past that pose a difficult mental hurdle for you? Are you self-conscious about something?

Then, consider what can be done to address those issues—not just so you can swallow, but because they are interfering with your sense of freedom and choice in the marriage bed. It’s okay to say no to swallowing even if you don’t have a good reason—but if something is limiting the options you feel you have, it is worth addressing it.

If you just can’t bring yourself to swallow, your husband should accept that—and it will be easier for him to do so if he sees that you have taken his request seriously. (Read this post for more suggestions on dealing with a request you find difficult.)

Dealing with the gross factor

Let’s get practical here. Even if you want to swallow, it might not be so easy. Semen has a unique consistency and taste, and it can be difficult to get used to it.

Try some of these tips:

  • Apply chocolate syrup, unsweetened yogurt, or flavored lube to the penis while you are giving your husband oral sex. It will give you something familiar to help you get accustomed to the semen.
  • Add Altoids or Red Hots to your mouth while you are giving oral. Not only will it add some special tingly sensations for your husband, your taste buds will be overwhelmed by the mint or cinnamon rather than overpowered by the taste of semen.
  • When your husband’s orgasm begins, point his penis toward the back of your mouth. The semen will bypass your tongue and may slide nicely down your throat.
  • Have something handy to drink immediately after swallowing. Some women find that it helps with lingering fluid and flavor.

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