LOVE & SEX

HEY HUSBAND, IF YOU WANT MORE SEX, HERE’S HOW TO GET IT

Dear Husband,

The biggest problem damn near every man has in his marriage is sex.

You’re not the only one, I can assure you. I’m sure your friends complain about it from time to time as well.

Maybe it’s worse for you. Maybe you’re the most deprived one of the bunch. I don’t know.

I’d like to tell you, in case this hadn’t occurred to you yet, how you might be able to get it a little more.

First, let me paint a picture for you. You actually live here and witness this everyday but since I don’t think you get it I’m going to spell it out.

Here is what the hours leading up to bedtime, “the magic time“, look like for me:

First there’s dinner: the lovely time of day where I’m coercing children to eat their food like a damn hostage negotiator. I’m filling and refilling cups of juice and being yelled at about which cup I’ve chosen. They need more, they need extra, they need sauce, they need a spoon instead of a fork, they need a napkin, they need, need, need.

After that I’ve got to bathe them and wash the food they’ve smeared in their hair out. They don’t want a shower, they will only take a bath. They hate getting their hair washed. One wants bubbles. One hates bubbles. They need the water warmer, now cooler, they need the towel, they need that one fish toy that swims, no not that one, no not that one either, yeah that one. They need, need, need.

It’s finally time for bed, the hardest part of all but they’re “not tired yet”. They’re scared. They’re suddenly starving and completely parched. They need a snack and a sip of water. They need an extra blanket and the pink pig stuffed animal: the one grandma got them from the zoo last summer, remember it? They need an extra kiss an extra hug and a nightlight. They need, need, need.

Once I’ve finally escaped from their bedroom and sit down someone yells, “Mom!!” I am up again to address the issue of the missing princess blanket and two minutes later up again to address the quality of the nightlight I’ve provided. It’s not bright enough.

Some nights by the time it’s over I am literally out of breath.

By now you think I’m on a rambling tangent, I know, but I’m getting to the point. I’m getting to the sex part, hang on.

All night I have been needed. I’ve been ran ragged by our sweet children I love so much. The evening routines have worn me out, caused stress and raised my blood pressure a time or two. We haven’t even talked about what the beginning half of the day looked like.

I’m settling down and finally taking a deep breath and sitting in the silence for a minute.

And now you need me.

Someone else needs me and all I want to do is sit. All my body wants is to sleep.

I don’t know if I have any energy left for a roll in the sheets.

I’m assuming by now that you have probably come to a conclusion about my advice for getting more sex. If you haven’t, I’ll make it abundantly clear:

Help.

Fill and refill the sippy cups. Run a bath. Wash hair. Get snacks. Read a story. Tuck them in. Go to them when they yell for me.

Make the hours leading up to the time you want sex less stressful for me. Make it so that by the time it’s 10:00PM and we have the first minute alone together that I’m not so frustrated I can’t stand for someone to touch me.

If you want me to happily snuggle up to you and get it on, I can’t be in a state of complete overstimulation. I just can’t.

I love you and I hope this helps. You have more power than you realize.

-Wife

Are you in a place of discontent and feeling like you’ve fallen out of love with your spouse?

I want to show you that thing you thought you lost is not gone at all, you just need to dust it off.

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